will the real FUNBOBBY please stand up!

i have not been journaling all that much cause i am trying to keep up with my blog. www.nowwhatsshedoing.blogspot.com. please visit me there, and leave your comments...and tell your friends.

toodles

normally, well no not normally because i hate everything this woman does, would i complain about something like this. say what you will, yes it is very 5th grade of me, nonetheless i am going to say it and i am going to do it with a great amount of passion for the cause. not necessarily out of anger, because it does not envoke anger, just confusion, and stunnage, speechless stunnage. i'll start back in 2003...

i work in an office full of men. i was single, i drank A LOT, especially at work. i was friends with madame bovine...dave's ex. i don't know if i have explained this, but we were all friends, i met dave through my ex boyfriend mr. m. two years later, i was not with mr. m, but still friends with madame bovine and dave. now since i have known them, they have been a disaster. a rude statement but a true one. bovine and i were as close as we could be as she is not one to have any sort of deep emotion or true feelings for anyone other than herself, and dave and i become close emotional lean ons. he would lean on me about her unavailability and i would lean on him about being adepressed alcoholic still clinging to any hope that his best freind mr. m would ever love me again. pathetic i know. hence the depressed alcoholic part.

around this time at work, i would come in hungover every day and bitchy and have nothing good to say about anyone or myself (but was still as likeable as ever with my witty, sarcastic come backs and shitty attitude charm)...until of course that is, i would take the first sip of a beer and the whole universe become the funnest and most outrageous party to be at. it was like a switch that went off. it reminded us all of the episode of friends when monica gets back together with FunBobby an ex of hers, and all the "friends" are so happy because he is back. until monica realizes that he infact may have a drinking problem because he makes an awful lot of their drinks "irish". once they get bobby to admit he has a problem he quits drinking...and they soon discover that the alcohol was the reason FunBobby was so much fun. without it he becomes BoringBobby. so from that moment on around the office with the guys i became FUNBOBBY.

now i know i am not the only one with this nickname but it nonetheless means a lot to me, as i have never had a nickname (other than a derogaqory ditty the boys at school taunted me with when i was 11) and well it was amusing, fitting and signifies a time in my life, at my work when we all had a blast drinking a fuck of a lot and getting into trouble. it was my wild and single days...good shit right?

so i told dave and miss bovine about my new nickname. she got a real kick out of it, as she knows exactly how i change with the consumption of alcohol as that was our main past time together, again not a real solid and deep relationship...as far as "girlfriends" go. she and i were/are big "friends" fans so again, it was funny. so funny in fact that i guess she went to on holidays to visit dave's family that summer and sort of stole the nickname for herself. i of course did not realize this until i myself got together with dave a year later and sent his sister a link to my msn myspace page "funbobby77" as the main title, and she replied...funbobby? isn't that mdm. B? and my blood instantly boiled. how on earth could she tell everyone that SHE was funbobby? i couldn't believe she would be so cheap! and so unoriginal? and so jealous that she would steal my nickname?! i mean that is unreal! so i set the record straight and told dave's sister that the name indeed was mine. and chalked it up to mdm. B just wanting to be "cool" in front of dave's family, cause they all hated her, and that she obviously would not actually steal the name, but just used it temporarily to be witty. which is, i guess, forgiveable...considering she is a shallow and uncreative person and without trying to be me, had no real chance at being cool.

fast forward to four months ago. dave and i hook up through passing acquaintance meetings at a restaurant we frequent. over time we become friends and she gets a job where mdm. B herself used to work before she moved. waitressing with a bunch of other shallow, vain bitches whoethink they are better than every other woman in the world. in a conversation of sorts it comes out that my nickname is funbobby, and she says oh isn't that miss B's name? and i am like UM NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, why do you say that? and she says, oh that is what all the girls at work call her, for like 3 years they have always called her that. that is her nickname...!!!!!!!!!!!!....i says PARDON ME? WTF is that? she actually stole my nickname!!!!!!!!!for real. can you belive this? she is actually that desparate that she stole my nickname. i mean SHE used to call ME that herself!!

fast forward yet again to this christmas. Madame Bovine and her new man made homemade wine. she offered us a few bottles, i accepted, even though i was sure they were poisoned...cause i don't pass up the chance to tast good wine. so the bottles come to us with tags attached..."happy holidays from FUNBOBBY vineyards"

you.have.GOT.to.be.fucking.kidding.me.

yeah that is me loaded. well not LOADED, but drunk enough to look like that! puffy bean bag face. my teeth appear quite yellow as well i am noticing. ew. so that was july. vancouver, gas town...fun. in recent months quite a few things have happened. one being that i have come to the conclusion int he way of them coming right out and telling me, that the people who love me, hate me when i drink. apparently i get all fucked up and sloppy, i act like an idiot, i am annoying and i scare the kids. there is a frequency issue as well as a sheer uncontrolled manner of the amount i consume in one sitting. which i can agree with. i like my booze. it's fun, it's relaxing, it's an escape from responsibility and reality. i really fucked up one night when dave was out of town in portland. i won't go into details but i totally fucked up. so booze is no longer an option. ok so that is that. meh.

things that have happened over the last three months i have been ignoring (not because i wanted to) buzznet:

- got pregnant (2nd time ever )

- miscarried (2nd time ever)

- bought my first home, a 1978 trailer on 4.49 acres 20 minutes out of town for $165,000

- inherited a pot bellied pig and a german shepard-chow cross 6 yr old dog

- completed gutted and reno'd a 1978 trailer with new paint on the walls, ceilings, laminate and carpet

- moved...again

- assistant coached a grade 6 & 7 girl's volleyball team

- fell in love with tim horton's bacon breakfast sandwich and mochas

- gained 15 pounds

- got a ring - three diamonds, not engaged, just an i love you ring a really fucking nice one

- have emissed the last three months of www.raymitheminx.blogspot.com fer fuck sakes

life is good now and i hope to have a lot more time to myself. i am going part time 9 am - 3 pm as of january first. however we do not have the internet in the boondocks where i live, except for dial up, so i prolly won't get to visit raymi any more than i have been. but at least i have my own house.

Yes this is an old pic of Brit when she was knocked up with SPF

This is Me: "So Brit Brit, why on earth did you get knocked up again?!"

This is Brit: "It just kind of happened."

This is Me: "SICK! You are going to have to give KFed more of your hard earned dough if you keep popping his kids."

This is Brit: "I'm going to wait a while for the next (one)!"

This is Me: "You better or he's going to bleed you dry! And ewww you look so fat!"

This is Brit: "I feel like I've been pregnant for 10 years!"

This is Me: "You look it, you fatty fat fat! Why the hell do you keep dropping SPF! He's going to have to ride the short bus if you don't stop."

This is Brit: "It is now starting to get a little tiring, holding (Sean Preston)"

This is Me: "I feel you, he is fat so I can understand why you keep dropping him."

This is Brit: "It makes me feel needed and wanted, so I like it too."

This is Me: "Oh damn...when you drop him? Isn't that called munchausen syndrome?!"

This is Brit: "Crunching ice and chocolate, oh my God."

This is Me: "WTF! You aren't making sense! Are you sure you're not the one who has been dropped. Seriously, why are you so fat?!"

This is Brit: "I'll get up in the middle of the night and I'll get a Hershey's bar, the real big ones, and I'll put it in the microwave and melt it and eat it. It sounds disgusting, but it's so satisfying."

This is Me: "Hurl"

courtesy of  http://dlisted.blogspot.com/

i get a kick out of these women slash little girls who delcare themselves "a bitch"...

..."umm i am a bitch just so you know, so if i am a bitch to you don't feel offended i am a bitch to everyone"

?

??????????????????????????????????????????????????

so because you call yourself a bitch and tell people you are one then you can go around acting like a complete twat to whoever you want, whenever you want and you are completely exemplified and forgiven for it, because you don't know how to act any other way? and if we want to be your friend, not that it sounds appealing, we just have to buck up and eat that shit?

rrrright. how about, you ARE a bitch and not only that but you are a LAZY bitch because you can't be bothered to change your inconsiderate and rude ways to save the feelings of others around you? you make everyone around you suffer with your negative bitchiness because you can't be bothered to do aynthing about it?

you must be so proud of yourself? and you must have so many friends? and life must be a big bowl of YOU because it is clear you really only like people to focus on you and your dark bitchy negative attitude. you probably think you are really funny too. whats funny is that you think this is cool.

NEWSFLASH...we are all bitches that is why the whole fucking world refers to the female gender as bitches...no need to make it your "thing", it's weak.

PS...if you were in "total control", you would not walk around letting your emotions get the best of you and being a cunt to everyone who you think wants to hear your mindless opinion. and you would be able to refrain from being a bitch instead of using it as a crutch for your lack of personality and intelligence.

i am having the hardest time trying to catch the fuck up on raymi while i have the day off of work. i am also trying to clean my house and do recycling and scrub the bugs and tar that is a 2 yrs old off of my car and post on my own blog which i am convinced no one is ever going to read or comment on or care about. i like blogging, i find i don't have enough time but it is a neat way to keep a life line of your...life...der.

fuck i drank insane amounts of booze this weekend and stayed up way too late and took caffeine pills from some guy dave dave knew in the bar and missed my happy pill on saturday night whilst being fucking gunned and looking smoking hottttt in my new skirt which was cut about 4 inches above my knee which up until saturday has not happened wince i was in grade 5. because i absolutely hate my thighs and certainly could not keep up with the cutesy little 19 yr olds in the bar in this fuck hole of a town but i did it anyhow because i looked fucking way hotter and was turning dave on and keeping his cousin and his wife amused by allowing them to flip it up exposing my sexy black lace bootay shorts i had on because thinking about wearing a thong and sitting on some vinyl sticky seat cushion in one of the bars in this town is like asking for fucking crabs.

i may have taken my happy pill on saturday night eventhough not remembering i had but remembering i had opened the bottle and spilled them all over the floor and for some reason left one sitting on my dresser...making me think i had not taken it. so i may have taken another one making me fucking sick to my stomach in an urgent way while driving dave's cousin and his wife two hours to get to their plan on sunday.

oh  yeah...and on friday when i went to pick them up from their flight i had to drop off dave's girls at their moms and get the grand tour of her new house which was very nice but not good enough for her and which is going to be pretty much completely renovated in the next month which it totalllly does not need to be, with lamenate floors, stone tiling, new carpte, new paint and $20,000 worth of brand new furniture which i had to hear about not being delivered on time and her being totally pissed off because she couldn't get any laundry done and was running out of underwear and when i asked her if there was not a laundromat in town and she just looked at me like i had just suggested she bathe in the rancid afterbirth of ten thousand east hastings hookers and just scoffed and pretty much said in other words "ah...ew"...feh...i am so glad the bitch has finally moved out of town and is not in my face all the time...yet so fucking confused oh yeah and did i mention outrageously raging angry as to how people can say ... "good things happen to good people" and yet this dizzy cunt is living the good life and i am living in someone's basement being a thousand times more the woman she could ever be to dave than she could be to her man who pays for her EVERYTHING while she doesn't even fucking work and an eternity times infinity better than she has ever been to her kids............wtf ever happened to karma and when did i ever fucking piss it off?

fuck all the boozing has me fucked up and emotional. fuck. fuck.

there is absolutely no reason to come to work anymore. some fucking corporate dick has put surf control back on our computers and...and...this is bad...i can't get to raymi's blog!!! wtf am i going to do now? i can get to phil's blog, but with his recent lack of posting, how exciting is that going to be? i have tried every back door trick i have to get to it, and it isn't working. this throws my entire work day off. everything i do revolves around raymi's blog. i check her blog, then i check phil's, then i check mine - just to see if anyone has left any comments which btw is a total fucking waste of time because NO ONE leaves comments on my blog, if they even read it that is - then i come to buzznet and check my page, then raymi's, then i go back to raymi's blog, then to perezhilton.com, then back to raymi's blog, then i periodically check it every half hour to see if she has posted. she is my single source of entertainment throughout the day, and now i have to wait until i get home at 5 everyday just to see what she has been up to. if i even have time to with the girls coming to live with us. i am going to have to set aside RAYMI hour at home. fuck!!!!!! that is what my work time is supposed to be for!!!!!

no i am not pregnant, aunt flo showed up on day 43. i posted but for some reason it didn't work and i have not had the time to sit and fix it. so here i am...not pregnant. perhaps i should give you the low down on the pregnancy thing. me and dave decided to have a baby last february (2005), we are not married. but who is that has kids these days? anyhow we got pregnant right away, and i miscarried right away. so, we stopped trying for a few months, and then we tried again, and tried and tried and tried. turns out getting pregnant was not as easy as i thought i was. while we tried EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in the rest of the god given world was having babies. including all of my friends and i became so bitter that i hated even seeing how happy their babies made them. i was hearing stories of girls that were big drinkers and crack smokers were finding out they were pregnant while they were smoking crack...yet i couldn't get pregnant to save my life. i became obsessed with my cycle, mapping out fertile days, making sure we had mechanical sex every single day. it lasted about 7 months, i became severly depressed and dave and i fought like crazy. until about january of this year i finally said. "i'm done" i don't want to have a baby right now. adn i went on effexor. the thought of all of it was just making me sick. i was sick of feeling cramps and wondering if i was gonna get my period, or feeling pain in my breasts and thinking, oh maybe this time!! it was such a turn off i am done with it. although, it is hard not to think about why your breasts hurt. i just don't care anymore. if i get pregnant then great if i don't then it wasn't meant to be. right? fuck it. i believe it will happen when it is the right time. of course i will believe that for about another 6 months and then i am getting checked out, cause I WANT A BABY!!!!!!!!

it is officially DAY 40! i have made a dr.s appt for monday. i guess that will determine whether or not i have been inseminated with the demon seed or not. kidding. i love kids and would love to have one. so this is not a bad thing. and besides i am like almost 40 for christs sake...well i am  29 1/2, but in having baby years that is like 40.

there is one thing that is kind of bothering me. if having the worst smelling flatulence known to man is a symptom of being pregnant, dave is not going to come near me for the next 9 months. i will have to carry a barf bag and walk around with a built in fan in my pants to disperse the farts as soon as they leave my body, so i can blame the stench on someone else. to make you understand how absolutely unbearable it is, i imagined it last night as being like that part in the exorcist when the reagan/the devil pukes split pea soup/baby shit on the priest and then the two priests cover their mouth like they are being choked by the death of mustard gas, and then her head spins around. i imagine what they are smelling is my farts. i can't stand the smell of myself and even if i shit, it doesn't go away. i wonder if the smell just lingers around me like pigpen on charlie brown with just a cloud of stench that follows me. i had a boyfriend like that once. he had gross farts, disgusting farts, and when it got bad enough the smell would linger in the house and sometimes i would smell it on him. he was a dink. great! i smell like my dink ex boyfriend. fun. btw i tried to come up with a better word for fart and shit...but didn't want to sound gay so instead i opted to sound rude and gross and probably turned a lot of people off, but as if you don't fart and shit?!

i am tap dancing tonight. i take ADVANCED adult tap dancing every week and at the end of the year (may) we do a year end dance in the year end recital. it is going to be a full house. i have not danced on stage in like 3 years. our group is a trio and our dance song is herbie hancock "rock it". for those of you not old enough to know this song, it was a pretty popular break dancing song back in the early 80's. before the part of the 80's when it was acceptable for men to look like women and wear pink and lace...and paint their faces up like cheap hookers. hair bands were so gay. except bon jovi, they didn't wear make up and pink, they were hot and richie had the best harmony vocals, dead or alive was the sexiest video i had ever seen when 8. 

"rock it" is a good song and a good dance and i fucking rock OUT and i am going to dazzle so many people they are going to ask for my autograph afterwards and rave about how beautiful and fucking sick talented i am. they are going to be all like OH MY GOD, I JUST CAN'T STAND HOW FUCKING SICK TALENTED YOU ARE, YOU FUCKING ROCK OUT, I WISH I WERE YOU, HOW CAN I BE LIKE YOU? TELL ME TELL ME!!! I AM SO FUCKING DYING WITH JEALOUSY AND WANT TO CUT MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND NOT BEING YOU SOOOO MUCH!...that is if i don't piss on myself from stage fright. but if i do, i will start a little pool of piss under me on the stage and dance in it like gene kelly in singing in the rain. and splash around in my piss on stage. and it will look like it was supposed to happen, like my piss was a prop or something. and people will still ask me for my autograph anyhow, cause who the fuck does shit like that??

exactly.

good thing i pay attention...its actually day 37.

 good fucking god!! that looks painful! is this real??

this is the saddest thing i have ever seen. the picture on the left is when she was 12. the picture on the right was her at 15, hooked on crystal meth. she eventually committed suicide. what happened? when was that pivotal second she decided to take the wrong path? and what in her life caused her to make the wrong choice? peer pressure? abuse at home? bad parenting skills? curiosity? fuck knows...but my heart goes out to her and all the other children out there being faced with these decisions. i pray god helps you make the right one.

so i am on day 35 of my cycle...actually day 36. for the last year my cycle has been quite consistent. last april i had a miscarriage. like not a big deal kind of miscarriage, i wasn't far along at all. since then my cycle has been consistent. 30 days is the average cycle length. i keep track of it on www.mymonthlycycles.com. so on the weekend i did two pregnancy tests. one as soon as i got home from the gorcery store on sunday evening...not the "optimum" time to take a pregnancy test...negative. then i took the second one at like 5 in the morning on monday, but i had managed apparently to polish off a two litre bottle of white zinfendal at a friends house the night before so i am not sure how accurate 150 proof piss is on a pregnancy stick...but it also was negative. however you know that second line on the test, the one you are to use for comparison?

(not my pic by the way)

it didn't show up very dark, not as dark as on the first test. then when i checked the test again a few hours later there was a faint blue vertical line...there was also a very faint beginning of a vertical line on the part where the positive sign shows up. it is the faintest start of a line over top of the big fat dark blue negative line. so...i would assume this test is somewhat faulty, and that the line that was starting to show up could possibly be correct??

also my friend who just found out she was pregnant did two tests that turned up negative when she was a week late and she continued on like she was just late, then did a third test when she was two weeks late and it came up positive. so fuck who knows right??

all i know is that i am not bleeding yet and it is beginning to drive me NUTZ wondering what the fuck is going on!! every cramp i feel i think oh this is it, then it is just gas, which by the way has been smelling like the rotting carcass of a dead moose. i keep checking my boobs to see if they hurt, they are not sore, but my nipples are and have been for a week or so. i have also had some disturbing dreams as of lately...but that is not really out of the norm. i have fucked up dreams all of the time. only these ones have been violent and i wake up all emo and shit, wimpering and kicking.

only like 10 people have asked me if i am pregnant because i had a weird stomach bug last weekend wheren i was naucious on and off, and had pains in my stomach and explosive diarrhea for like a week. fuck it...fuck...i guess i will find ot sooner or later, until then no drinky for me, yeah stressing out over this and not being able to drink...fun!

ha! this is how i feel today. only i am not that bad...i am ungh over but in good spirits, of course that is until the later stages of the hang over. it usually goes like this...

morning - very early - still some what intoxicated and in too much of a hurry to feel anything at this point, i always think - hey perhaps i have the hang over beat! perhaps it will not be that bad?! yippie - of course this is never the case

get to work - late - apply make up - sit and assess physical state...its ok its doable...there is a headache developing at this point but tolerable. i am very witty when i am at this stage, funny, the come backs are flowing, i am making jokes with everyone in the office, the sexual induendo about the guys being gay brokeback buddies begins...i am a comedic hit

mid morning - i contemplate whether i will be smart and not go for el roncho's and perhaps get a tim's bagel instead but then of course opt for the two burrito meal with extra salt-sa...and a tim's 1 and 1

lunch time - not feeling bad - but as i am waiting for my beer and clam at eagan's the dizziness starts, the fatigue sets in and instead of choosing the healthy soup bar option, i am weak and go for the fire house burger, bacon cheddar and mushroom with fries and gravy - the beer helps

1 pm - rejuvenated, ready to conquer my load of paperwork that has been ignored on my desk for a week...or two...when all of the sudden the bloatedness grumbles and rumbles and the butt clenching begins - there is no going number 2 at the office - regardless of the fact that every man here completely pollutes the front office with their rountine morning shat and disguises it with country garden glade - i will not do this - there is a bathroom in the back, but if everyone sees me go in there they know why i would be going in there. we girls have a nice "girls" bathroom in the front office, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR, taking a smelly hang over duke in our bathroom is NOT an option...so it is a pee only bathroom. on these hang over occassions though, i have been known the go in the "men's" room in the back. but it is a covert mission impossible type operation. NO ONE must see me go in...

2 pm - the paperwork remains where it was yesterday when i left. i have become lethargic, i can hear my heart thumping really loudly, and i can feel it's force actually rocking my body as i sit completely still, eyes fixated on some random thing i see out the window. the eye lids are drooping and the fight for consciousness begins.

3pm - my mood has now dropped below tolerable. my wittiness has dwindled to meer sarcastic nasty quips at people who have the audacity to joke with me. i have taken on my all knowing "cling-on battle look"  which confuses people normally because it could mean i am thinking, i hate you, you are a fucking idiot, you are a cunt, i want to kill you, move away from me or i will spit in your face, you are a loser and i am superior to you, or it could just mean that i am confused, or tired, or concentrating or even sqinting. in this case i am hoping it gives the impression i am concentrating really hard on something...like work...i have been playing a computer game for about an hour and drowning out pretty much everything around me, including the phone ringing and the reality that i am in fact at work gettgin paid...

4 pm - 1 more hour and its home free - at this point i am raging bitch i reek of booze, and i am a bloated up mess. i have planned out supper with dave as being nothing that i am going to cook or have to clean up. i have managed to talk my way out of doing absolutely anything that requires effort when we get home, and may have even talked my way into pizza, bed and a movie...by promising sex of course, but i will talk my way out of putting any effort into that as well when the time arrives

9 pm - out cold, didn't have sex, ate like a sow, missed half of the movie and couldn't even be bothered to brush my nasty ass teeth.

next day - awake feeling like can of smashed assholes and i know the day is going to be a complete repeat of all that paperwork i got done the day before. my body aches, my eyes hurt, the brain fog is thick and the attention span is fucked

welcome to the hang over PART 2 dun da da daaaaa...the second day

wtf is with day TWO of a hang over? when did this shit start happening? it takes 2 fucking days to get over a good hard-on drunk? what the fuck is that about?!

by the end of day two you feel like drinking again too...did you not remember how you felt yesterday? you can't remember the scatter crap you had to sneak to the back of the warehouse to take in utter shame that someone would see you and know you just dropped a bomb in there?  and the heartburn from the pocket of month old deep fryer grease that slid down your throat as you ate your el roncho's hasbrown? the self mutilation of accidentally stabbing yourself in the eye with your pen as you tried to answer the phone and not take your eyes off of your game of chuzzle...do you not remember all of this? wtf is wrong with you?

feh

so tylor - fire crotch - has found a girl! we are soooo happy for fire crotch. well we were really happy for him until we had to start listening to him and her fucking right above us and RIGHT across the hallway from dave's youngest daughter - abby - who is 7. at first i wasn't sure what i was hearing. abby was having trouble sleeping friday night and came and got me out of the hot tub where i was sitting enjoying a beer with fire crotch and his new girlie. i went into the house and helped her back into bed and laid with her until she fell asleep. i heard the two humpers come in and figured they were just going to hang out until i went to bed...well nooooo sir-eee. they couldn't wait long enough for abby to fall alseep even before i heard wimpering and moaning and thumping. i could not believe my ears! i have never heard people having sex in the next room! i mean i have speculated what noises i was hearing before, but never has it been so in my face while i am in the next room to someone!! abby at one point even looked at me with a strange look on her face like "what are they doing?" and I just started talking really loudly and putting pillows over her head. of course abby had a pretty good idea what they were doing because she knows how babies get inside the mom, thanks to me and my "kids should know the truth!"...damn kids! 

i couldn't believe that they were going at it knowing i was in the room next to them!!! knowing i could hear them!! eeeeeyeeeewwwwwwwwwww

good lord. i mean not to say making some noise isn't  perfectly natural, and roommates don't count in terms of when to keep it down, but kids?! i mean c'mon! what are we going to do when dave's other daughter who is 11 yrs old is over? i mean we can't hide that shit from her!! she is going to be disgusted.

i think it is time for dave to have a talk with fire crotch. all in all we really like our new place and if it weren't for our bedroom resembling the drop off bins at the back of the sally ann...we would be even more happy. of course this is my fault because i am responsible for my clothes and of course all of the girls clothes as well. it couldn't be expected that dave just take the folded clothes out of the bags and baskets and organize them and then i could put them away....noooo i have to be the one to go through them, refold them, organize them and put them away...well i will get to it when i get to it then. on top of all of this i haven't even had time to get my (our) taxes done and cross your finger we don't owe, cause i heard they penalize you for a late filing if you owe. feh.

oh yeah and i got up early yesterday morning and went to sobey's and got food to make everyone a big sunday breakfast, eggs, toast, home made hash browns, bacon, coffee...all the good shit, and i grabbed food for our supper last night as well that we planned on bbq'ing chicken and having home made garlic mashed potatotes and corn on the cob and all that good summer shit...and fire crotch's woman got up in the morning and left and fire crotch couldn't be bothered to get out of bed at 11:30 AM to come and eat with us. and i was pissed! because i had spent like two hours doing this and cleaning up from the night before. and feeling like a maid. in their defense they knew nothing of my efforts to make this fabulous and totally selfless gesture of making their sunday morning delightfully relaxing and delicious. i was even going to be extra happy and extra sweet because dave and i have been bickering in front of them lately so i wanted to put in an effort to show everyone how wonderful i really am under this stressed out bag of bitch...and i didn't get my chance. i put a lot of work into breakfast and i had to do 2 loads of dishes in the sink and a load in the dishwasher and that set me in a mood and the intentions of being the sweetest little home maker/roommate in the world turned into intentions of drinking beer and clam all afternoon. and causing dave to tell me i was being rude and short with him and he was sick of it...great!

dave is getting all over whelmed with the mess and there just isn't enough time in the day to fucking get it all done. if i didn't have to take 2 hours out of my cleaning and taxes time to get a shower and get dressed and ready to meet our business prospect that never showed up, the one who's contact information dave left at his work so it was useless to us when it came time to calling his cell to find out where he was...i might have gotten a little more done yesterday, like the clothing organizing thing. i am sick of moving...sick of cleaning, sick of cooking, sick of having to be a full time parent - thank god her moms is back today. don't get me wrong, i love abby and i love being with her and her being with us...but usually we get a little break for a few days a week while she is at her moms and she is getting anxious for her mom to come back and focusing less on us, and arguing back more and just being a weirdo...she needs to go home! i am also sick of looking around and seeing more and more shit we have to do before we can actually relax. i want to drink every time i walk into that house knowing all the shit we have to do. it is like liquor is my inspiration. how sad and yet how tantilizing that sounds. a glass of merlot to relax me enough to spend 5 hours organizing? mmmm....

oh btw...we have had to listen to the humpers for the last 3 nights. fortunately abby was asleep the last two nights. and mostly dave and I could just hear thump thump thump and faint wimpers...but the thumping sounded more like the bass rocking the building of a rave only as fast as someone sprinting down the stairs. we actually didn't know what they noise was at first. it shook the house. hey good on 'em i guess. but fuck...seriously already!!!

oh yeah btw btw...my cat ran away for almost 48 hours and i was sure she was dead or that someone had taken her, and i had almost given up looking for her then on friday night she showed up at the window like she hadn't been gone more than a couple of hours. I think she must have went back to the old place for a piece of her steady ass that she was getting or maybe she was thinking we didn't want her anymore because our roommate has a dog, but then when she saw that i came looking for her over at the old place and probably hid to see just how much effort i put into looking for her like the coniving - i know it is spelt wrong - bitch that she is and then when she saw me drive by the house like 10 times and walk up and down the back alley and under all the cars and porches in the neighborhood and she changed her mind about running away and realized how much i love her and that she couldn't possibly run away from ME...and made the long journey back to me...good kitty.

this is the weirdest most preverse thing i have ever actually laid my eyes on.

http://www.taurinfox.com/sketches.html

yyyyyeah oooookay then

moving is so gay.
even though we are saving like
tons of money and we got a new
to us jeep this weekend and i should
be all like WOW MY LIFE IS GETTING
SO MUCH BETTER I AM THE KING OF
THE WORLD leonardo style, i want to
lay in my bed and melt into it with the
sweat from my body as i slip into
the deepest and longest sweatiest nap ever.
i took a vacation day monday to get shit
unpacked around the new place
and instead slept until noon and
unpacked the kitchen. and also
applied the 4th coat of tender rose
to our bedroom. TENDER ROSE. 
and a guy picked this out. but it
looks kind of like indiaish sort of and the
new comforter makes it look really sick 
but i knew it would because i have like
the fucking best taste out of everyone i
know and everyone i don't know and
have such huge and revolutionary visions
of design people are missing out by not
paying me to envision their renos and spending their 
money shopping for them and bringing 
their lives to new heights of inner peacedness
with my killer designs.

last night i fell asleep
in my usual as of lately drunklor
cheap merlot coma. which usually
works really nicely because i have
to take my effexor before bed and
this is the catalyst for a nice soundless 
night of rest. BUT last night my fucking retarded
brain that never shuts off created mass
destruction and life altering anxiety
while i was supposed to be in a
sound fucking calm slumber.

i had a night mare
that dave was being hunted and
shot at by tony hawk only it was
really www.tony.buzznet.com. and
i lead a team of stealthy coverts
to protect dave from his demise as
he soundly slept in the other room.

we were in some apartment like a
really nice one. dave was in the
bedroom. i am sure raymi was there
and so was the bunny chick www.meltingdolls.buzznet.com with the
big shiny handgun then when me
and www.raymi.buzznet.com were scouting out
the balcony me with my handgun
and raymi with her ultra deadly ninja moves
ready to shoot at these shadows
that were climbing onto the balcony
there were all like HEY WE AREN'T
HERE TO HURT YOU, WE KNOW
THE TRUTH, DON'T SHOOT and i
was like NO YOU AREN'T bang bang 
but i dropped the gun and
there were no bullets in it. then i
realized that they really were there
to help and were all pissed off that
i was shooting at them. one guy was
short and asian and had a camera
around his neck wearing a buzznet
tee shirt and the other guy was
like a nerdy tall guy like napolean
dynamite but also like that gaggle
of geeks in sixteen candles,
more like john cusack's character
and his brother that makes those night
goggles and gather in the guys bathroom
to see molly ringwald's panties. like the
brother of john cusack in that movie.

they were like WE ARE BLOG REPORTERS
WE FIGURED OUT WHO IS TRYING TO KILL DAVE
AND WHY WE FOUND IT ENCODED
IN DAVE'S BLOG and then i helped them
inside just as the bad guys were
coming through the front door and i 
did a steven segal floor dive behind
a couch and mad scrambled for the gun
to shoot at them forgetting there were no bullets
and then the gun fell apart in my hands and
was useless. i tried to get the gun together
but like 2 seconds later one of the bad
guys came right up to me and totally shot me
in the chest. i could feel it. i thought i
was really dead.

and then dave woke me up all pissy
that i was waking him up with all my wimpers
and crying and shit. and i was like running
in the bed and writhing around not in my usual
outrageously hot way.more like a retarded
epileptic seizure way.

i had woken up half way through this dream
at a previous part where the bad guys had shot
out the window of our high rise city
apartment and i realized we were being
hunted. and i ran out into the lobby of our
apartment and saw a guy on the pay phone
and realized he was reporting back to the
really bad guys and telling them we were
not dead and i was standing right there in
front of him and i flew at him and tried
to beat him up but of course my fists of
fury were powerless due to being in a dream
so i ran up the stair well to the apartment to
save dave from the bad guys from the phone
that were on their way over to kill us. i woke up
all panicky and shit.

i fell back to sleep, and i ended the dream
the second time at the part where 
i got shot. that was when i got really emo
and dave was really annoyed when
he was waken a second time. he said
to wake up and get the thoughts out
of my fucked up brain and i handed
him some water and i was all shaking. my whole fucking
body was like a fucking parkinsons victim.

dave was sort of okay when i told him
that i was so upset because someone
was going to shoot him but not okay
enough to not be annoyed at me being
so dumb and having dumb dreams. and
thought i was really retarded for having
a dream about tony hawk even though
it wasn't really tony hawk.

feh.

so i am gaining gross amounts of weight around my mid section. i have always been able to maintain a semi flat stomach even through my chunkier times. however for some reason during this time of complete and utter fucking insane movingness into the new place, i am gaining weight around my belly button, like a beer guzzling fatty. and i don't care even to suck it in. every morning i put on my jeans and examine my growing mid section and try to decide which tight, lycra blend tee shirt i can wrap around it and still feel confident enough to stand myself for the day, of course without actually looking at myself. usually i opt for a sweater over top of whateer i am wearing. it gives the appearance of being thin enough to wear the tight shirt i have on, but hides all the love hanging over the sides and back of my jeans.

i don't suppose eating pizza and mcdonalds, and perogies my mom left in our freezer, and cinnamon buns mom also left in our freezer over the last two weeks has anything to do with it? oh wait and the beer or bitchpops i am consuming daily during our packing/moving process? it could also be the lack of sleep and over consumption of coffee every morning to keep myself awake long enough to finish 8 hours of whichever game i have downloaded from glamourgames.com this week. BUT ALAS!!!!!!!!!!...we have finally gotten moved over to the new place. we just have to go to the old place and wipe walls, steam clean, clean the oven and under the stove and fridge etc etc...fuck me if i have to move again i swear to god i will torch the place and start from scratch!

this is tylor, our new roommate. we are moving into his basement. he is hopelessly searching for mrs. right. this town does not provide the kind of outlets a guy needs to find mrs. right....nor are there really any women in this town that could fill this role adequately. the women in this town are flea bitten skank bar stars, who will make you love them and they will take over your life, then hop on the next best ride when it comes around. it is pathetic.

tylor is 24, he owns his own home, he drives a VERY NICE jacked up chev truck, he skidoos, he has a dog named buck, he is a family guy, he is from manitoba originally, he is a mechanic so he makes good money, and he really truly is a good man...oh yeah and he has a hot tub. and even though he sounds like he could be one, he is not a redneck. he just likes the outdoors and takes full advantage of what the country around here offers. which is better than being some beer bellied pig sitting his lazy ass on your couch in his dirty gotch, stinking up the room with his ass gas, and pit stink, stealing your tv time away to watch boring snoring sports any and every given day of the week. btw, while i remind myself to mention so...he has very good hygeine and is a gentleman as well.

if any of you ladies out there would like to meet tylor and are not flea bitten skanks, leave a comment. i will hook you up. he doesn't like this picture, and it isn't the best one i have of him, but i don't think it is a bad one either. he is good looking don't worry. and hey if you like him you might like me and we could end up being best friends...so you could be one fortunate mother fucker!

if you saw brokeback mountain you HAVE TO see this! i couldn't load it as a buzznet movie. so this will have to do...

ok so i just finished eating dairy queen onion rings...which rock btw...and i was perusing through www.perezhilton.com and came across "guess the celeb" and it was a picture of a guy and a girl and the guess was the girl on the left who was an 80's celeb. well i didn't read the 80's part and guessed fiona apple. turns out it is stacey q. i laughed and started singing "two of hearts" and then turned to a couple of younger co-workers and said "remember her?" and they were like "huh" and i was like "two of hearts, two hearts that beat as one, I NEED YOU I NEED YOU" and they just looked at me, and then we swapped birth dates and i realized that they were like 2 yrs old when that song was popular and then the 19 yr old guy says to me "did you grow up here" and i said , "yeah i moved here in '87" and he said " i think you went to school with my aunt" and then my vision started to blur and i felt a wave of dizziness come over me and then i pulled out the glock from my desk drawer and shot him in the face.