will the real FUNBOBBY please stand up!

normally, well no not normally because i hate everything this woman does, would i complain about something like this. say what you will, yes it is very 5th grade of me, nonetheless i am going to say it and i am going to do it with a great amount of passion for the cause. not necessarily out of anger, because it does not envoke anger, just confusion, and stunnage, speechless stunnage. i'll start back in 2003...

i work in an office full of men. i was single, i drank A LOT, especially at work. i was friends with madame bovine...dave's ex. i don't know if i have explained this, but we were all friends, i met dave through my ex boyfriend mr. m. two years later, i was not with mr. m, but still friends with madame bovine and dave. now since i have known them, they have been a disaster. a rude statement but a true one. bovine and i were as close as we could be as she is not one to have any sort of deep emotion or true feelings for anyone other than herself, and dave and i become close emotional lean ons. he would lean on me about her unavailability and i would lean on him about being adepressed alcoholic still clinging to any hope that his best freind mr. m would ever love me again. pathetic i know. hence the depressed alcoholic part.

around this time at work, i would come in hungover every day and bitchy and have nothing good to say about anyone or myself (but was still as likeable as ever with my witty, sarcastic come backs and shitty attitude charm)...until of course that is, i would take the first sip of a beer and the whole universe become the funnest and most outrageous party to be at. it was like a switch that went off. it reminded us all of the episode of friends when monica gets back together with FunBobby an ex of hers, and all the "friends" are so happy because he is back. until monica realizes that he infact may have a drinking problem because he makes an awful lot of their drinks "irish". once they get bobby to admit he has a problem he quits drinking...and they soon discover that the alcohol was the reason FunBobby was so much fun. without it he becomes BoringBobby. so from that moment on around the office with the guys i became FUNBOBBY.

now i know i am not the only one with this nickname but it nonetheless means a lot to me, as i have never had a nickname (other than a derogaqory ditty the boys at school taunted me with when i was 11) and well it was amusing, fitting and signifies a time in my life, at my work when we all had a blast drinking a fuck of a lot and getting into trouble. it was my wild and single days...good shit right?

so i told dave and miss bovine about my new nickname. she got a real kick out of it, as she knows exactly how i change with the consumption of alcohol as that was our main past time together, again not a real solid and deep relationship...as far as "girlfriends" go. she and i were/are big "friends" fans so again, it was funny. so funny in fact that i guess she went to on holidays to visit dave's family that summer and sort of stole the nickname for herself. i of course did not realize this until i myself got together with dave a year later and sent his sister a link to my msn myspace page "funbobby77" as the main title, and she replied...funbobby? isn't that mdm. B? and my blood instantly boiled. how on earth could she tell everyone that SHE was funbobby? i couldn't believe she would be so cheap! and so unoriginal? and so jealous that she would steal my nickname?! i mean that is unreal! so i set the record straight and told dave's sister that the name indeed was mine. and chalked it up to mdm. B just wanting to be "cool" in front of dave's family, cause they all hated her, and that she obviously would not actually steal the name, but just used it temporarily to be witty. which is, i guess, forgiveable...considering she is a shallow and uncreative person and without trying to be me, had no real chance at being cool.

fast forward to four months ago. dave and i hook up through passing acquaintance meetings at a restaurant we frequent. over time we become friends and she gets a job where mdm. B herself used to work before she moved. waitressing with a bunch of other shallow, vain bitches whoethink they are better than every other woman in the world. in a conversation of sorts it comes out that my nickname is funbobby, and she says oh isn't that miss B's name? and i am like UM NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, why do you say that? and she says, oh that is what all the girls at work call her, for like 3 years they have always called her that. that is her nickname...!!!!!!!!!!!!....i says PARDON ME? WTF is that? she actually stole my nickname!!!!!!!!!for real. can you belive this? she is actually that desparate that she stole my nickname. i mean SHE used to call ME that herself!!

fast forward yet again to this christmas. Madame Bovine and her new man made homemade wine. she offered us a few bottles, i accepted, even though i was sure they were poisoned...cause i don't pass up the chance to tast good wine. so the bottles come to us with tags attached..."happy holidays from FUNBOBBY vineyards"

you.have.GOT.to.be.fucking.kidding.me.